I’ll gladly bet anyone any amount of anything that it’s not. Well, simply because I have nothing to lose. haha. I’m really not scared, but I’ve started to think. What if my lack of forgiveness is what keeps me from going to heaven? Then I guess I’ll simply allow my hatred to drag me to hell. I guess I’d rather take the cliche Robert Frost “road not taken” path to somewhere treacherous than to allow the forgiving side of me to prevail. But if it really is today, then I’mma be stealing hella shit haha.
Anyway, last night was formals. Started out fun with some yummy foood and presentations like usual. But I decided to leave early. It wasn’t fun after all, my date wouldn’t meet anyone I tried to introduce her too, walked away frequently, hung out by herself near the poolside, and thought it would be okay to just sit at our table alone, with her head down. I asked if she wanted to go home and she had the audacity to say “it’s okay, I can find my own ride.” The fuck kinda date is that? My mistake for asking the wrong person though. It takes a lot for me to get mad, but I blew up. It surprised me actually, never thought that side of me would come out. But I still had some self control and calmed myself down. The audacity of my date to slam my car door though. But hey, if you want to try to turn things around and make me the bad guy, so be it. It’s what you’re great at.
Clocked into my bed at Ten Fifty something. Earliest I’ve slept all week on my Formals Night.
So anyway today went pretty smooth. Final for Filipino was easy, 4/5 done and just one to go! Cleaned up everything in my house like a big boy and Rommel helped me make bubbles on the floor of my backyard. After a lazy unmotivated yet semi-effective workout, I was ready to tackle the rest of my day. Ended up last minute planning to hang out with Shea, Nikko, and Rommel. Hella busted a mission to get chicken wings and then eat it 15 minutes away at Tapex. After that went to Juan’s and had a nearly 1-2 hour conversation over stupid stuff like we did back thenn haha. From aliens, movies, to recent events. “Did you hear about the Craigslist killer?” - Me “Yeah! did you hear about the guy that killed his wife at 5th street!?” - Shea “No.. but did you hear about that guy on Elm street. He killed hella people…. IN THEIR DREAMS.” -me hahahah. Somehow the convo got to the subject of CPR and how we are certified and talked about what you should do when you have a nosebleed. Then I thought to myself: What would be better than playing off being possessed!? HAHA. “Tasssa narre dameta” (David Blained one foot levitation trick sideways). But yeah drive home was chill, and now I’m here. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you. Your attitude sometimes.. as much as I like being around it, I just don’t understand how you can point out such a small detail and pick at it. It was an honest mistake, your names are similar and I was reading her name while I said yours. But meh, too happy with today to be brought down by stupid stuff. Goodluck Shea, you got this, I know this, you know this. Til next time NHN.
And I’ve come to a realization: it’s easier to erase someone from your life than to work things out.
A less eventful class period I must say. A started dosing off and actually dreaming until Rae hit me in the arm and woke me up. “Do the clicker question.” Damn, I only had 30 seconds left and chose D. Good thing these things are only worth participation points. Well anyway, I received a text, it was heavy. it’s one I expected for awhile but just not so soon. But regardless, it came at me without being prepare; I panicked, so I lied. I’ll continue to bare the agony of holding back the truth until I find the best way or time to say it. I’m sorry.
This is always what it comes down to. My selfish rationalizations. Forgive me.
Sunday Night/Monday Morning was pretty dope. It was 11:15 and James wanted to get a game of bowling in before they closed at 12. We probably would’ve looked hella dumb if we were able too. Sadly, the lanes were closing at 11:45 so our adventure to Brunswick was short-lived and he was saved from getting crushed in a game by me haha. Well after that, we picked up Nick and started to hookah in the car and hit up the birthday girl, Alys. We drove to her pad and had a sesh there, and just talked about the most random stuff in the car, life, beliefs, girls, plans, the future, and just everything else. And in between the conversation I looked through my phone and decide to read out a dream I had written a weak before. What a mind fuck, I wrote down exactly that a 7.9 earthquake would happen, which was all over the news 2 nights ago…. we continued reading and saw another part that came true. A story someone had texted me earlier that day which James saw. It was the exact same events as I had previously dreamed about. Mind fuck. This however is only one instance out of like 50 times. Whatever, I’m psychic I know it. Anyway good way to start out the week. :D
I don’t know how to tell you what you probably don’t want to hear. I can’t justify what I’ve done up to this point. I wanted a good friendship but my instincts told me it would head otherwise, so I ignored them again. When have they ever been wrong? One thing led to another but I’m not sure how far this will go in all honesty. So far now, I’ll drown in my own rationalization and do whatever I must to avoid telling you the truth. It’s selfish, but that’s who I am. I’m sorry. I really am, but what good is that?
